I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
