when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
