I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
