so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
