how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
