Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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