Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
