I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
