3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
tell me about the fingering
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
