I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
