Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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