If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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