i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
