so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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