I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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