im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
