Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
ttyl tear gas
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
