I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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