Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
