I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
