Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
