walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
