The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
