can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
