you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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