I want you more than these girls want KFC
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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