I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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