i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
