he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
