I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
