I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
