i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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