I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
