i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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