Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
