Ambien. No doubt about it.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
