She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
They have beer where we have blood.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
