Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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