I'm so fucking centered right now
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
