allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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