I'm gonna have a badass scar
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
