you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
