if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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