I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
