hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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