i think my mom watched the whole time
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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