i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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