I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
