2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
