I faked an abortion last night.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
