dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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