I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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